Sharks and Bees: Just Say No

I feel the same way about bees as I do about sharks. I don’t like ‘em. And that old, “If you don’t bother them they won’t bother you,” thing is just not true. Don’t fall for that. This attitude, though, is no longer politically correct or, even, tolerated. “We need bees and sharks,” all my eco-conscience friends lecture. Maybe they do. I’m done with them. I never worried too much about sharks until Jaws came out. I think that just started the whole thing, gave sharks ideas and all that. After that, it was just one shark attack after another. The experts always say it’s accidental. The shark thought someone was a giant seal or something but I don’t buy it. Just in case, though, I’ve given up black swimsuits, swimming at dawn or dusk and swimming alone. I wait until there’s another splashing group of swimmers wearing black and I mingle in the center with my bright yellow suit. But the bees, that’s another thing all together. For some unfair reason, I’m now allergic to them. I have this whole epipen thing that costs like a million dollars, just in case. Yesterday, there I was out mowing, minding my own business, when some random bee just casually flew over and stung me. I waited awhile to see if I developed any of the symptoms. Maybe I felt dizzy and nauseous, but I could breathe okay. I am enough of a hypochondriac (spelled that right on the third try!) to think I felt bad even if I didn’t. I always read all possible drug side effects and I immediately develop them, so this isn’t a good test. Still, I hate needles, so I was putting off the epipen until the last possible second (I am a professional. Don’t try this at home.) So now, I am taking prednisone and Benadryl which kinda levels me out, as one hypes you up and the other puts you to sleep. And I’m resentful and mad about this unprovoked attack. Yep. My brother has bee hives. Yes, bee hives. He loves them. I stand a mile back and say, “Cool,” and promise not to kill them and I don’t tell him about the 20 foot-reach wasp spray I have in my car. No, I don’t. Now, I need to order one of those shark repellant bracelets that they guarantee will prevent a shark from eating you and if it doesn’t, well, they know you won’t be around to leave a negative review.